Rather than focus on the type of man you want in your life, focus on creating the type of relationship you value.
What’s the difference?
Focusing on the man puts emphasis on him. Focusing on creating your relationship puts the emphasis on you. You can’t fix or change somebody else. Imagine you find a man who meets 2 of your needs, and then say, “ok here’s what we need to change first…”
Sounds crazy, right? That guy would leave you faster than a Mexican jumping bean leaves a taco. And so many women do it in some form or another.
Putting the emphasis on you bears two unique opportunities:
1) It permits you to work on becoming the best you. Only when you work on yourself, can you really attract the person of your dreams.
2) Putting the emphasis on the relationship you want opens up the playing field. No need to think about which man or woman matches your specific list of criteria, but to make this work, you have to show your standards. Not tell them, you have to live them.
What does that mean exactly?
Every relationship goes through different stages, and this is going to look different in Stage 2 when you’re building attraction vs Stage 4 when you’re looking to the future. If you haven’t yet, read The 5 Stages Your Conscious Relationship Will Go Through.
Imagine a scenario in which you’re in Stage 2 and on your fourth date. You really value punctuality. Like, you find it disrespectful when people are tardy. Well, this bozo shows up an hour late. Of course, by that time you’ve already gone home. He texts you from the meeting point, and has the nerve to be all nonchalant about it.
What do you do?
Do you simply never return any of his texts or calls? (reasonable)
Do you give him a piece of your mind, and tell him that puppies will die because of what he’s done? (psycho)
Bits of each of those seem like the logical response. You have to stand up for yourself, right?
But there are two major problems with this:
1) As soon as you start tearing him a new one, he gets defensive. That’s not a character flaw, it’s just human nature. He digs his feet in the sand, and when at first he felt guilty, now he feels justified. You don’t want this, especially if this is a guy you really like. And the one you like is probably the one you’ll get the most angry with.
2) When you’re only in Stage 2, you shouldn’t care enough about him to let him affect your emotions (or at least you shouldn’t show it). It gives him all the leverage in the world..but he hasn’t earned that yet, and he needs to know it. Which is why you guide him to the self-realization that he really screwed up AND he missed out because of it.
“You want to do the same thing tomorrow?”
“I’m sorry, I’m busy tomorrow.”
Don’t punish him in some weird, irrational way, but show him that he can’t just have you any time he wants. You’re a busy person, and opportunities like the one he blew don’t come around that often. Show him you’re a person who values herself, her time and expects the same thing from a potential partner.
* * *
Putting the emphasis on you and your relationship doesn’t end in Stage 2. You have to continue doing it in Stages 4 and 5, as your partner continues learning who you are and what you value.